You seem like “fun”

A little too much fun

Lately, I’ve had several messages from gentleman on Match.com (yes, I bit the bullet and ponied up the dough for a one-month membership.  Just tired of the same old faces on OKCupid) that reference the fact that I seem like fun.  Ruh-roh.  Do we have a problem here?  Am I fun in the “you look like you would be down for some sex with minimal effort on my part” or “you seem witty and I would like to enjoy some activities with you. Which may or may not include sex based on whether or not you like me” kind of way?

Perception is everything, and you only have so much room to present yourself in an online dating profile.  You want to come off as fun, but not too much of a good time.  Assertive but not aggressive. Funny but not too sarcastic.  Interesting but not dramatic.  Well-rounded but not into so many goddamn activities that reading your profile makes the reader tired.  Casual but not emotionally unavailable.  Your profile needs to weed out the bad while attracting the good.  When you think of it this way, it’s a bloody miracle that anybody is able to pull their shit together enough to actually get a date.

So, what do you think?  Is coming off as “fun” a good thing, or a bad thing in the online dating world?

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7 responses to “You seem like “fun”

  • thatprecariousgait

    I think that you’re really smart to even know the difference, because I don’t think a lot of women do….. And there definitely IS a difference. I don’t know which you are, because I don’t know you well enough, but I always think it’s wise to be asking myself that question when a guy says I’m “fun”…. just one of those things that I file away and pay attention to….

  • PDX Running Chick

    Having spent 3 months in Match.com hell I would say its more often than not a bad thing. I found out that phrase in the Portland, Oregon (and even the Seattle, Washington) area meant “down for sex with minimal effort on my part.” It might be different in your part of the world, but I say think long and hard before you respond. As is the case with everything, there are exceptions. Read the jerk, um I mean prospective suitors profile closely and then decide if he’s looking for an easy piece of ass. Men are not really good at hiding their stupidity. His profile may point to the fact that he’s intelligent and witty (even though he lacks creativity to come up with “you look like fun”).

  • Nikki B

    Ha! I actually think “you look like fun” is simply “I would like to get to know you better, but I don’t know what to say to sound witty and interesting”. I think it’s a show of interest, but with minimal effort.

    That doesn’t mean these dudes are necessarily lazy – I think sometimes, for some people, it’s genuinely difficult to think of the right thing to say to get a response back from someone they want to talk to more. Of course, there are also those others who just use the same stagnant line to see who bites.

    But, really, is that such a problem? Isn’t the point of online dating getting to know someone, or determining if you want to meet up? I say respond if the dude is interesting TO YOU and see how it goes from there – don’t read too much in to their initial contact. If they’re lazy in dating, or just want sex, that’ll become obvious pretty quick – but I wouldn’t dismiss them (or worry about what they think of you) too early on.

  • nathan

    I wouldn’t over think this one much. If the guy’s profile sparks some interest, write him back and see where it goes. If not, don’t worry about it.

    I’ve received an awful lot of one liners from women on online dating sites, including “you sound fun.” Certainly, I tend to wonder like you if they aren’t trying very hard, but I have learned to check the profiles before making any decisions.

    Everything has gotten so casual these days that sometimes people start up conversations with total strangers the way they would with a good friend. It’s not how I approach things, but I also know now that if you’re too formal and/or careful when doing online dating, you end up completely empty handed.

  • The Reluctant Monogamist

    Thanks for all of the great feedback! I’m trying to date more mindfully this time around by not outright dismissing men at the slightest hint of a problem or flat-out ignoring obvios red flags. The “fun” message definitely put me on mild alert. Went back and read the profiles and was able to discount one (i loooove to party and Sunday is my drinking day) right off the bat.

  • CeCe

    First off, I want to tell you that I love your blog. I am in my mid 30s and divorcing my alcoholic husband of 14 years and it is nice to read a blog from someone who was also in a similar situation. You give me hope 🙂

    I grew up near SF and am also moving back in 2 months so it will be an interesting experience to be single in the city again.

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