The Pump and Dump – Worst Thing EVER or Blessing in Disguise?

Step away from the phone. It's not gonna ring.

Based on what I’m reading out there in the blogosphere and what I’m hearing from my lady friends, getting pumped and dumped is the very worst thing that can happen to a woman.  What is a pump and dump you ask?  Well, it’s when a lady and a gentleman go out on a date (or two, or three or however many it takes) and get down to the sexy time and then the gentleman fails to call the lady back.  Or fades out.  They never see each other again, no more sexy time happens and the lady runs to her friends/the internet to cry FOUL.

Obviously this happens to men as well.  I am ashamed to admit that I am guilty of perpetrating a few pump and dumps in my time.  (Why?  Well that’s a whole post on its own.  I’ll give you a hint:  It rhymes with “Rad Mex”).  It’s not something I’m proud of because EVERYONE deserves at least the courtesy of a “thanks, but no thanks” text/call.  However I don’t see a lot of men, either online or in real-life, complaining quite as vocally as women do about this phenomenon.  So this post is mostly aimed at the ladies.

So ladies – I’ll let you in on something.  This is so, SO far from the worst thing that can happen to you.  I don’t need to go into all of the various disasters and calamities that life throws our way, but in the grand scheme of things, having someone not call you back after sex is just not a big deal.  In fact, it’s a GOOD thing.  A good thing?  What?  No I’m not high.  Lemme explain…

This guy did you a FAVOR.  He did you a huge solid.  Because this was not the dude for you.  And aren’t you glad that you found this out early rather than 6 months down the line when you’ve become all attached and lovey-dovey with him?  You are now free to roam about the country to seek another victim.  Uh…man.  Of course I meant man.

It doesn’t even really matter WHY he never called back.  He just didn’t.  And that is perfectly OK.  You can’t control the actions of others.  There is no strategy, no trickery or magic you can use to make the dude call you back.  In fact you don’t WANT a call back, not from someone who is not the right fit for you!

What you can, and should do (yes I am going to tell you what to do) is ask yourself one question – WHY am I so upset about this?   Why is this person, that you have known for maybe a couple of weeks, that has invested NOTHING in you, having such a profound effect on you?  Why are you letting this virtual stranger dictate the way you feel about yourself and your worth as a human being?  STOP.  You don’t have to do this to yourself.  Be disappointed.  Joke around with your friends, complain a little bit.  But then realize that you are mourning the loss of something that was never there. This guy was never real.  He owes you nothing.  But guess what – you don’t owe him anything either!  Not a thought, not a word, not a text.  Forget closure.  His not calling back is all the closure you need.

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52 responses to “The Pump and Dump – Worst Thing EVER or Blessing in Disguise?

  • lifewithblondie

    Thank you! I have given this advice to friends of mine… nothing is worse that obsessing over some guy who doesn’t even deserve a second thought! Make the object of your thoughts worthy of your time and attention….

  • BruceWayne

    Thank you for articulating so well what I could not on Moxie’s blog.

    I had no idea that so many people who read her blog have such old fashioned ideas about dating and women. Some of them sound like my grandmother.

    Love your blog. Very funny posts. Keep it up!

  • lifeinthefarcelane

    Reblogged this on lifeinthefarcelane and commented:
    I think we all need to read this .. Regularly!

    • The Reluctant Monogamist

      Thanks so much for your kind words. When I shifted my perspective on things I found that my dating life and self esteem took a turn for the better. As women, a lot of us grow up conditioned to base our senses of self on what others think of us.

  • ringfingertanline

    Amen, sister. I think I need a stop sign that pops up on my phone saying “His not calling back is all the closure you need” before I drunk text.

  • benzeknees

    Actually, what you’re mourning is the “dream” of what this relationship “could have been” instead of the way it really turned out. You’re right, lucky, lucky woman to be able to get out before getting all attached.

  • katmdonovan

    Wanna know what’s worse than the “pump and dump”… the “pump and pussy footing around the dump but making plans and then cancelling and then telling you everything is still cool”….welcome to my week.

    Thanks for this post! totally following you now!

    • The Reluctant Monogamist

      Thanks for the follow, I appreciate it! And I agree – that is totally worse than the pump and dump. At least when they don’t call back you don’t wonder. But when you get that text 2-3 weeks later, you think….maybe…No maybes. The answer is no!

  • wildgeesethatfly

    Thanks! I have MAD self control when it comes to NOT texting or chasing when he fades away but that doesn’t mean I don’t obsess about it in my head for days or weeks.

  • Shonnie

    Have to say I agree with you about him not being worth the worry and did ya favor to not call back. I guess I am old fashioned, but I don’t think a girl should be passin out tha candy that soon in the relationship. What could you possibly know about a man in that short of a time that would make you want to have sex with him??

    I know I am a fuddy-duddy, but I just think I am worth way more than a casual roll in tha hay.

    I’m a square but I am happily married for 24 years –so I probably should shut up–what do I know about the dating scene!!!

    • The Reluctant Monogamist

      The only thing I know about a man at that point (and really, for the purposes of whether or not do it, it’s all I need to know) is that he’s hot and bangable and I would like to do him. And this notion of the girl passing out the candy – really, it’s just sex, not a gold trophy. But me – I do love to share 🙂

      Bottom line is that everyone needs to do what feels right for them. And if waiting is your thing, you should wait. But I would like you to ask yourself “why” you are waiting.

      • Shonnie

        Im NOT waiting, 🙂 i have sex often 🙂 as i said before I’m married and probably shouldn’t comment. I can’t/could never (tried it didn’t work for me) be that intimate with someone I’m not ready to commit to. I’m private and I bond too those I have sex with. While you may not view it as candy the guy does. He values you according to how he perceives you to value yourself. For some women, they are not having casual sex as they claim, they are hoping to win mr right–I think those folks should wait.

        • The Reluctant Monogamist

          I really don’t think you can speak for any guy and how he views sex. Or how he views a woman after they have sex. We are all individual and while we all live in the same society and are shaped by that, we all have free will to believe in whatever we want to. Further, if a guy DOES use sex, or lack thereof as a way to judge my value, I want NOTHING to do with him. We are so much more than our sexual selves.

          I absolutely do NOT tie my value to sex. At all. I don’t feel like I have given anything away when I have sex. I feel like I have had a wonderful, consensual, and reciprocated experience with a fellow human being, regardless of what happens afterwards. I also don’t have it to try and steer the outcome of a relationship (to create one where one doesn’t already exist).

          • Shonnie

            You sound like one very strong and determined woman. I can speak for enough guys that I know — I (with my more autistic personality) hung out with mostly men; for me they are easier than women — but that was never my issue. My issue is the woman and how she can handle or NOT handle having sex in a causal manner.

            You sound like you have it segmented out in a non emotional way that for many woman cannot be done. So it seems that you are acting in a manner that fits with your belief about yourself and what you value.

            I am not a woman who can do that. Never have been. It rips at my emotions and my heart in way to horrific to pretend that I could EVER live that way. So, If things were to break apart with my beloved (24 years later I like him more than before) I would have a HARD time entering the dating scene, because I won’t have sex with someone i wouldn’t marry. That takes me a while to figure out. So I would be pretty darn good alone. 😀

            I don’t need a man to make me happy and it sounds as if you are that way too. Thank you for being so graceous to me when we clearly have different views on this matter. Which is ok. I wish you the very best raising your autistic child — I have one of those too — he is 16. 😀

            • The Reluctant Monogamist

              I am really looking forward to reading your blog and learning about your experiences with autism. My little guy is 7 and it’s a tough road!

              We are all individuals. The best thing you can do is to know yourself, know your boundaries and understand what feels right to you. There is no one correct way to go about interpersonal relationships.

              And thank you for the kind words 🙂

              • Shonnie

                I’m hear anytime you wanna chat about the critters. My young man is amazing. He tells people he wears his autisim like a badge of honor. Because he is defying it everyday. He is extremely smart and will go to college.

                It is a VERY hard row to hoe! You are in the toughest part of the row. You pay the dues now and you will reap rewards later. 🙂

                My blog is about obesity — but am going to start one about my boo man as I call him. I used to say life in the boo lane really makes you wild. hehehe

        • The Reluctant Monogamist

          Also – of course you are more than welcomed to comment! Just because you are married does not make your experience or opinion any less valid. This is how we all learn, but exposing ourselves to other points of view. I welcome all respectful debate here.

        • lifewithblondie

          Shonnie I can really relate to what you’re saying in many ways. I’m very private too, and get all bonded to the guys I have had sex with… funny thing is, I am 35, been with the same one since I was 20, and before that I had one other relationship really…. and one “almost relationship” I guess you could call it. 17 years later did I get a call from the almost relationship? Oh yes! And one thing our new friendship has taught me is that men view things very differently than we do, so if I girl wants to wait, that’s good, and if she doesn’t, that’s good too, 9 times out of 10 they let the girl take the lead in what’s “right”… one other thing I have noticed is that as I get older, I am more able to see that separation between sex and love. Sure, it’s better if they go together, but I’m thinking if I got divorced (knock on wood let’s hope it never happens) I wouldn’t go without… I hope I would be choosey, but I sure would try a few things on the menu! The almost lover has also let me know letting your inner freak shine is sometimes the best thing you can do for your life! Lucky for my hubby someone finally told me all that! 🙂

          • The Reluctant Monogamist

            Yes, the separation between sex and love. Once I figured this out, I was off to the races! I was raised traditional and Catholic. I knew you weren’t supposed to have sex AT ALL but it would be doubly bad if you did it with someone you didn’t love. I ended up in long relationships with several men simply because I had already had sex with them and had to “justify” the sex by committing to them. Otherwise, I just did a bad, bad slutty thing!

            Sex with love is awesome. But sex without love can be awesome too. Sometimes MORE awesome because when you are not invested in the aftermath, you have an i don’t give a fuck attitude which allows you to really let go.

            • lifewithblondie

              yes, I have seen some young girls who stick with a boy because they’ve gone all the way, and now they don’t wanna be the biggest whore in school by admitting he’s not the one, so they stay in these not so great relationships instead of seeing it for what it was, a stepping stone, a lesson learned…. It’s a mistake I made as a teenager too and sometimes I wish I had been able to separate sex and love at a younger age. Lucky for me my marriage is pretty good, but I have learned so much about myself this past year, I can say if I were in the dating scene it would be a whole new ballgame!

              • The Reluctant Monogamist

                This was how I operated in all my relationships from the time I was 16 till I was married! The 2 years I’ve been single I have consciously tried to avoid doing this. It’s taken a lot of effort not to slip back into old patterns.

            • Shonnie

              Totally not healthy to stay in a relationship with someone because you have sex with them –did that first marriage YUCK– glad you can see that isn’t healthy! 🙂

              I really let go with the man I feel safe with … and as Lifewblonde said “I let my inner freak go” on a regular basis!” 😀 I’m so secure with him I just go for things and we have a BLAST! hehe

              • The Reluctant Monogamist

                There is definitely something to be said for how sex changes and deepens over time when you are with the same person. Personally, I always had trouble letting go with long-term partners because I felt like there was so much at stake to keep the relationship going and if they found out I liked “weird” stuff (which actually in the grand scheme of things is Jr. Varsity level kink) they would be disgusted and leave. I was placing more importance on the relationship itself than me or the other person together.

                And boy am I glad to hear examples of long-term marriages and/or relationships where things are still hot!

                • lifewithblondie

                  I will say this, my “almost lover” has given me such good advice over the past year, (he was surely the best friend I ever had, and is again on my true “top friends list”) and he has encouraged me to just break the shell around me, finally just be myself, and suddenly the husband who seemed to be just going through the motions is obviously alive and head over heals in love with me again! It’s awesome when your man grabs you in the kitchen and says “dance with me, Beautiful!” I thought those days were lost…. but my inner freak found them! 🙂

                  • The Reluctant Monogamist

                    That’s heartwarming and so awesome! Being yourself (I know, how trite can you get with advice) really is the ultimate freedom. Finding someone that is into you when you’re being your true self is my ultimate goal in life!

                    • lifewithblondie

                      Its a good goal to have! I don’t have it all figured out, but I am thinking the more I become the real me, the more chances I have of staying married, because eventually acting wears thin…

                    • Shonnie

                      Being yourself is the only way. You have to be true to you. That is something I demanded. I know that sounds strong, but I had already screwed up on relationship by being–God only knows what–and I was not playing that again. LWB–I think you are on the right track. I know after 24 years, I love my guy more now than ever. We have better sex now than ever. He is my best friend and I am terribly lonely when he is not around. I don’t think you EVER get to the place where you have it all figured out. As you grow–things change and you have to adapt. We still have fights, and issues to work through that will probably last our lifetimes.

                      Ladies, I have very much enjoyed this post! 😀 Blessings on you both!

  • trjensen

    I have been a victim of and perpetrated many a pump and dump. They have happened for many different reasons but the truth of the matter and what you so articulately pointed out is that it only affects us if we let it. I struggled, for a very along time, with the idea that I sex meant love and for me it did. I had to retrain myself to see that one doesn’t necessarily involve the other regardless of the time you take to establish a connection. Since I have come to understand that sometimes the two never really connect, it is far easier to shrug some guy off, who didn’t have the decency to say he was only interested in sex.

    • The Reluctant Monogamist

      I understand why men are not up-front about wanting just sex from a woman. It may lessen their chances of getting sex. But why in the world would you feel good about lying (or withholding the truth at the very least) even if, in the end you got what you wanted?

  • Joshunda

    Yes! This is fantastic advice. I have been there before, when I was younger, but now I realize that what you say about it being a huge favor, early on, before I get all invested, for the pump and dump to go down is absolutely true. Great post. I love your sense of humor.

  • skeletonfingers

    To be quite frank here, guys don’t call back after sex, because they don’t view the girl as a keeper, but just enough to have sex with.

    You take her out on a date, and she’s got a little pudge, or she’s got an annoying laugh, she’s bat-shit crazy. Not a keeper, but sexy-time is ok. The problem is lying about it, or being too much of a coward to say, “Yea, so, I’m not really looking for a relationship here, is that ok with you?”

    Great post though.

    • The Reluctant Monogamist

      The reason really is irrelevant. There’s no law saying that you have to like someone just because they are interested in you. And feelings change. Maybe you were super into someone and then, for whatever reason, you weren’t. No crime there.

      You’re right though – it’s the dishonesty that is really the problem.

  • maggsworld

    I have bookmarked this because I need to remind myself of this, often.

  • lifewithblondie

    Just saw the way our conversation looks posted, woah, did the comments really have to get that skinny? LOL

  • Nikki B

    Great post!

    My friends and I have seen this phenomena and wondered about it… We weren’t pining away, but we were a lil … wtf?

    Basically, yeah. The dude may not be into you. The sex may have been…not as good as you thought. All those things.

    Also. I think there IS a time when dudes have a freak-out when they have some sexy times. Especially when it is “too soon”. To me, that’s fucking lame. There is NOTHING wrong with having sex whenever the hell you feel compelled, and it should NOT negate whatever else y’all had going on. But sometimes it does. And that is LAME. Not ok. Dudes: Listen up. Let go of that LAME ASS excuse for having a freak out or deciding a chick “isn’t a keeper” simply because y’all got down n dirty. That has nothing to do with HER (or YOU either – you had sex that quick TOO ya know) but more about your own outdated and stupid gender stereotypes that dudes are studs and Good Girls Don’t.

    Ugh.

    BUT of course, this is just adding to the general point here. If a dude is going to pull the fade because off this? Then, yeah, he did me a favor.

  • trjensen

    Thank you for sharing so much of yourself and supporting my blog. I nominated you for an award. You’ll find the rules at http://narcissistsblog.wordpress.com/2012/01/26/aww-shucks/

    Congratulations and I hope you’ll spread the love.

  • The Dater

    Everything you say in this post is true. So, so true. I’m keeping this as a favorite and am going to re-read it whenever I need to feel better when stuff like this happens. THANK YOU for making me feel better.

  • Summer

    I’ve been pumped and dumped, and I’ve pumped and dumped. (Love that saying!). In every instance, the guy did me a favor – the sex was always bad. I was more annoyed that I wasted twenty minutes of my life on a shitty makeout/sex session. I could’ve been watching Greys Anatomy or something!

  • Lori

    I’m a big fan of the pump and dump. My complaint is when they bow out before the pump. WTF?? LOL

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