Have you been watching American Horror Story? NO? Go on. I’ll wait. A very naked Dylan McDermott rubbing one out and then sobbing? A mysteriously sexy and murderous man in a head-to-toe vinyl gimp suit? Delicious housekeeper in french maid outfit that will make sure all your needs are attended to? This show is dark, disturbing and fucking sexy, in all the right (and wrong) ways. But what does it for me is – SPOILER ALERT – Tate, the ghost boyfriend of the teenage daughter Violet.
Once you get past the fact that he’s dead and all I think that little Violet is on to something here. Having a ghost boyfriend could totally rule! Consider the following:
- He can’t leave the house so you always know where he is. Except on Halloween. Although, you will get chased by the ghosts of all those kids he executed Columbine-style in the library so that’s a bit of a bummer. So much for the romantic beach bonfire he promised you!
- When some local tweakers pull a combination home-invasion/murder re-enactment at your house, your ghost boyfriend will be there to back your shit up! Then he and the ghost-maid will clean up and dispose of the bodies for you.
- While you’re away at school (because, you know, you’re all alive and have to go do shit) he will leave sweet ghostly “I Love You” messages on your blackboard.
- Cheating is probably not a great likelihood because, as Chris Rock so astutely said, you are only as faithful as your options. Unless he suddenly develops a taste for gimp suits or the maid gets REALLY bored, you won’t have to worry. **Update – wrong about this one. Ghost boyfriend is a total cheater. Like the kind that rapes your mom. Not cool ghost boyfriend.**
- Condoms? Who needs ’em. Ghost boyfriend is most likely shooting blanks. Plus, it’s not likely that he can pass along any STD’s, right? **Update – wrong about this one too. Damn ghost boyfriend – why’d you have to go and knock-up my mom?**
- He is stuck in 1994 when music totally ruled. He will listen to Nirvana and Pearl Jam with you non-ironically and without nostalgia.
- That bitch at your high school that thinks she’s all that and wants to bully you for smoking on campus and being all cool and different? You can lure her to your basement with promises of free coke and your ghost boyfriend will join forces with the mutant ghost-baby that the abortion doctor frankensteined in the 20’s and fuck her shit up. Then she will be scarred for life and become your new bestie!
So sorry boys – my Wednesday nights are taken by Tate, my ghost boyfriend and the most awesome show on TV right now!