Today I officially and, leaving absolutely no room for interpretation, gave the old heave-ho to this guy and this guy. How do I feel? Relieved? Empowered? Smug? No. I feel totally shitty and kind of shaken. I mean, as exasperating as these two were, they were, at the core, truly nice human beings. I dated each of them for roughly 2 months a piece, although in retrospect I let things go on for about a month too long. Why is it that I give so much latitude, benefit of the doubt and graciousness to those that dump me, but I have no such charitable feelings about myself when I do it to others?
Let’s face it – nobody wants to give out bad news to another person. I HATE confrontation. But I realized recently that I had stayed far too long in many situations, not just relationships that were doing nothing for me, or were even damaging me in some way simply because I was too afraid to speak up and assert myself. Because I was so, so afraid of someone being mad at me or not liking me. How in the world has it taken me almost 35 years to start getting over this mindset? How have I been so deeply programmed by bullshit traditional gender narratives that I didn’t even realize I was doing this? Am I not a kick-ass feminist? It’s time I started acting like one for fuck’s sake!
It would have been pretty easy to pull the fade on these dudes. I mean, even the most thick-headed and socially clueless person figures out after a few weeks of unanswered texts that the other person is just no longer interested. Pulling the fade just isn’t my style. It’s been done to me PLENTY of times and while the prevailing wisdom out there in the murky swamp of internet dating advice is that this is a perfectly acceptable way to end things, I just can’t bring myself to do that. I may be a slut, but I try to practice my sluttery in ethical ways. These fine gentleman, while ultimately not the right fit for me, gave to me their time, their hospitality, and occasional use of their lovely cocks. It’s the least I can do to end things cleanly and without question, right? It’s what I would want. (You listening Karma? I’m doing the right thing over here. Throw some good shit my way you bitch! Just kidding. I love you).
Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to repeat this wretched process 2 or 3 more times before I lose my nerve!