Monthly Archives: September 2011

The Fixer-Upper

Let’s say you’ve been out house-hunting.  For a long time.  Like for a year and a half.  You’ve toured many, many, MANY homes.  At first, you stepped inside any place that was available, even if it had the wrong number of bedrooms, was in a sketchy part of town or had just one bathroom and no laundry room.  After some time, and with the help of a great agent, you started to weed out the ones you knew were wrong for you and concentrated on visiting  just the ones that had a shot at being what you were looking for.  Maybe you adjusted your expectations, knowing that the mansion on the hill with the circular driveway, tennis court and olypmic-sized swimming pool was a wee bit out of your price range.  You started considering the cute little rancher that was built a good decade before you were born instead of being dead-set on getting yourself into the brand spanking-new condo in the high-rise in the heart of town.  Let’s say you managed to find several great houses and even made offers on them, only to have the deal fall through at the last minute.

And then you find it – the perfect house.  Only it looks like this:

3 inches of caked-on cat piss included at no charge!

The location is amazing.  It’s got exactly the number of bedrooms and bathrooms you’ve been looking for.  The architectural details (once you scrape away the layers of dust and filth) are gorgeous.  This one has great bones and oh so much potential.  You picture your furniture arranged in the sunny front room with the amazing view.  Think about what color you want to re-paint the bedroom.  Picture your kids running around the place, enjoying breakfast in the sunny little nook in the kitchen, frolicking in the backyard.  Yeah – the one that’s overrun with with poison ivy.

Sure – it needs a little work.  Ok, a LOT of work.  See, the old owners didn’t take very good care of the house.  They let it fall into a state of disrepair.  Didn’t fix the small crack in the wall that is now a large hole that lets the rain in, which rotted the once-beautiful hardwood floors. That smell? Why it’s sewage leaking from that pipe that never got fixed. And wait – is that deadly black mold? Why yes it is! No big deal you think to yourself. You think you can get your Bob the Builder on and fix all of this shit. Continue reading


Sexting – You’re Doing it Wrong!

I received what I am fairly confident is the WORST attempt at sexting in the history of the modern universe (or at least as far back as texting was invented):

NotGettingAnyXXX:  Bj

Sent:  1:46 am

Yup.  That’s all folks.  Just Bj.  At nearly 2 in the morning on a Wednesday.   Not even BJ, as I assume that in what I can only hope was this man’s drunken state, it was too onerous to capitalize that 2nd letter.  What a delightful thing to wake up to in the morning!

Man, I love dating.